Epic Fail

Can I say what I finally realize at the age of 40? Well, I’m going to either way: You will fail…if you look for satisfaction in your feelings. If you look to happiness as a gauge of your success. That is, assuming you are an adult. A parent… 

It’s my 4th pregnancy. I’ve had issues (medical) in the past. This time, I have to regulate hypertension and attempt to prevent preeclampsia. How I feel means squat. The numbers they read after cutting off my circulation with a cuff – THAT’S what matters.

One number over another is the measure of success.

The only success you have (and satisfaction) is in finishing, in achieving – that is, In actually imparting another lesson to your children. In organizing another important play date… In helping them get closer to closing in on their goals – knowing what they are and, approaching them…

That’s what days are about now.

But maybe I’m wrong.

Because when I see my children looking up at me nervously – because I’ve lost my temper in front of them again – it’s hard to tell myself: Don’t gauge your success right now by that look in your 7 year old’s eyes. Or, when you hear your son talking over your wife-husband bickering so he can pretend the day is a good one and everything’s on track… At that moment, when you feel the guilt of your selfishness, it’s hard to say: This is not the basis upon which you should or should not give yourself a gold star, Jay.

It’s easier…when my day sucks and I’m hot and tired and unappreciated ☝🏾 but ✅ Local library 📚 fun was had by all ✅ Your oldest has been to the craft store and has acquired the glue gun that library books helped put on the shopping list and, ✅ You’ve rescheduled physicals for all 3 kids. On those days it’s clearer that my feelings don’t compare with or define my success.

I think, if what I’m saying is true 🤷🏽‍♀️ , then this is a good lesson for tough days – when you’ve done a million things, yet you feel like a total failure as a person. It’s better to know that you don’t need to do anything, because you’re in Christ and loved by God. That wisdom tops any of my 👆🏾limited, humanist revelation.