I Have Feelings, Momma

“I Have Feelings, Momma…”


I honestly forget who I am sometimes. I think I’m a writer. But writing’s ✍🏽 something I can do. I think of myself as “Mom,” especially because my people call me that – “Mom,” “Momma,” “Mommy,” like it’s my name; but that’s a role I play.

My true identity as a child of God is tied up His purpose in sending Jesus Christ to sacrifice Himself as the Holy Lamb of God, thereby healing me of the consequences of sin 👉🏾death. My identity, an unmerited gift of God’s grace and evidence of His inexplicable love, means a lot of things.

Inside my identity as a saved person – one adopted or, baptized into grace through faith, lives this truth: My source is always, always, always God. LORD Jesus is my lifeline, the Friend I should phone…like when my son comes home and tells me that the kids in his classroom group are calling him “a freak” or that, “no one in my [entire] class spoke to me [for 2 days straight.]”

I had to explain to my son, whose heart was breaking afresh: “We will make it through. Because we’re going over to the other side with Jesus” (SEE, Mark 4:35-5:1.) 

I encouraged my son, saying: “All the mean things that people are doing and have done are not because of them, but because we have a spiritual enemy whose entire purpose in launching arrows by day and laying out snares by night is to convince you that you don’t belong, don’t have a place, and have no reason to hope for your future.” Take note: The Bible actually says, “terrors by night,” which matches my son better, unfortunately. However, I was right when I told him: “We have an enemy who’s trying to steal from, kill, and destroy us.”

I also told my son, “God is taking you I to open places. He’ll give you the ground wherever you step. Remember we’re planting ‘God seeds’ by speaking God’s word, so that ‘God things’ will come up?” I reminded him.

He said with tears in his big, beautiful eyes, “I said it, Momma. That’s what I kept saying.”

My first instinct had been to take pictures of my son’s state – his tears and expression, so I could have a foundation to stand on when I  spoke to someone about the going’s on…

But then I remembered who I am.

22“The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. 23“But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!

(Chapter 6 of The Gospel of Matthew, NASB.) The light is understanding (knowledge of the Holy One.) Darkness is anything you don’t know from the Bible about God or anything else – in other words, ignorance; and when we are attacked by principalities in heavenly places, it is only in the sphere of what we don’t know about Jesus and God’s word (and so, therefore, have no discernment or response – in the fashion of Jesus confronting the devil in Matthew 4:4.) (SEE also, Ephesians 3:10, 6:12.)

God is my foundation (SEE, Matthew 7:24-27; I Corinthians 3:11.) And I started asking God the Holy Spirit to show my son the truth of who he is and where God is in his circumstances. I started praying friends and divine connections out of the heavenly dimension. I asked for wisdom for his dad and me.

I told him to understand that the desire of lies is to take hold of your mind and faith. Corruption and death live in every place where there is no light of understanding – knowledge of Jesus Christ and His true will and identity toward you, His power and love for you.

I said, “Lies come to you as young as possible, so that you can be in bondage and anxiety and depression and self-doubt for as long as possible.” 

I told him that I’d been hobbled early and only now (in my early 40’s) really beginning to see how much I’ve been trapped in deception and insecurity and fear. I asked him if he knew who he was listening to when he didn’t tell us the truth about what’s going on at school…or, when he believes the bad, sad thoughts that come. He knew they were lies.

“Listen to God,” I told him. “Keep planting God things with your words. Don’t agree with the lies or the feelings. God will start showing you his good plan sooner, if you listen to Him.”

Because, Friends, LORD Jesus has no plans to harm us, only plans to prosper us and give us hope and a future. And no wisdom, no insight and no plan can succeed against the LORD (Proverbs 21:30.)

I told my son: “I’m hoping against hope, like Abraham when he believed what God said about him and Sarah having a baby into their hundreds and 90’s.” (SEE, Genesis 17:17.) His eyes got big.

“Do you know what hoping against hope means?” I asked, and he shook his head.

“Hoping against hope means you look and can’t see how it could change, but you trust God will do it anyway.” 

Another way of saying that is: Walk by faith, not by sight. And, Call things that be not as though they were.

“I tell them, but they don’t understand that I have feelings,” my son said, tearfully, on another occasion. I don’t ask, Why is there no empathy for a child’s feelings? No. My question is: Will you pray? For hard hearts to be softened, so that no child has to wonder why there is no one around to celebrate a victory (catching his first fish 🎣in my son’s case – a bass) or, to care when they cry 🙏🏾 

Spoiled

Definition of Spoiled here👇🏾

verb (used with object), spoiled or spoilt, spoil·ing.
to damage severely or harm (something), especially with reference to its excellence, value, usefulness, etc.:
The water stain spoiled the painting. Drought spoiled the corn crop.
to diminish or impair the quality of; affect detrimentally:
Bad weather spoiled their vacation.
to impair, damage, or harm the character or nature of (someone) by unwise treatment, excessive indulgence, etc.:
to spoil a child by pampering him.

Spoiled (www.dictionary.com.) It always bothers me when people whine and think that they are royalty, too good for anyone’s expectations.

This bothers me in friendships. It bothers me in parents, especially if I’m partnering with that parent. It bothers me when I see it in my children.

My daughter tells me that she’s not my slave…if I ask her to pick up her room. My son pushes out his bottom lip and gives me dead eyes…when I tell him to 😲 pack chips and snack bags….for his own lunch 😒 🤦🏽‍♀️ Dead eyes are malevolent. Clueless eyes threaten your sanity and make you wonder: Are they actually ignorant? Or, this another passive-aggressive strategy?

Parents thinking they deserve medals for doing household chores or for caring for their own kids… Kids wondering why work should be tied together with payment… 🤷🏽‍♀️ People who wonder why they have to be a part of cleaning a home in order for it to be clean – all of these situations are like asking for a bath and crying about the water that defines it.

My oldest is only motivated by what she wants right now. She hears what she wants to hear and tries to wheedle you until you come into line with her desires. When she thinks of her new baby sister (coming to our family soon), for instance, she considers how she may be able to join us for “baby shopping” – in hopes that she’ll be able to draft on our “new baby goodwill”…and get new things for herself 🙄 It’s actually pretty disappointing to hear, even if it’s normal.

If she can’t play according to the parameters she would ideally set – with the people she wants to play with and where she would rather play (read: not where her parents have declared she may play) – my oldest would prefer to skip the heat and late spring beauty outside; in a silent tantrum, she will trade in her outdoor shorts and tee for her pajamas and LEGO table.

On Facebook, there was a post (I didn’t read it) about old school parental sayings: “Because I said so,” was surely in there somewhere. Like the good tracks on a CD (also old school) – either early on the disc or, at the very end, “Because I said so,” is an essential parental reasoning resource! But as they get older, my kids really don’t like it. So? I don’t like their whining or loud complaints: “She’s touching me!” and all the other things kids say. Oh well 😔 Looks like we both – kids and moms and dads – will have to find ways to suffer through.

What I’m able to see when I look away from my kids’ displays to see myself is that: I have an issue with letting them take responsibility and allowing them to grow up. I have to let them help, if I want them to be helpers. I have to let them try out their skills, if I want them to be capable. In other words, I have to let them practice (as awkward as that may look and as painful as it is for my uptight self) being the people God made them to be!

Independence: Good for Parent & Child

It’s hard for this mom to let them go, but teaching my kids how to do things feels good. Explaining to them why they should do things is very fulfilling. It makes me feel like a good parent.

 

We were in our 8-foot blow up pool (I know: fancy) the other day in the low nineties, high humidity weather, and I got to tell the kids about boundaries. I actually got to teach my not-quite-seven year old about why it’s loving to listen when her brothers says not to shoot him with cold water out of her foam gun. Then, I got to seal the lesson – when he shot her in the face with the same instrument.

“Does that feel loving when he shoots you in the face? Would you like him not to do that anymore?” As she shook her head “No” and then “Yes,” I got to see comprehension of my previously dry attempts to teach her this lesson coming to life – in the frigid pool water of a sunny day.

Then…we got the kids to clean…their own bathrooms: sinks, showers, and toilets! I’ve talked before about how the passage of time and growing up in general is bittersweet; we get old, and our kids first crawl…then walk away from the ways we’ve known them, into independence and God’s plan for them.

I read something recently that captured the heart duality of what I and so many mommas experience:

[] watching your child approaching full bloom is so beautiful it takes your breath away.

Annie Reneau (“Kids Growing Up Is The Best And Worst Thing.”) That’s so true! But there is something I’ve been missing – in babying them so much. It’s not the lifting of the burden of doing it for them.

When you teach your kids and see them learn… See them doing it for themselves… Then, and only then, does the burden of fear lift – the doubt that you can…parent them. The worry that you may be failing as a mom, dad, or leader… There’s a breath of relief that comes from seeing that they’ll be okay.

Your children get married, and something ends. But you can see it as a beginning (as I’ve said before). You can see it as gaining family, right? Well, you don’t have to see yourself losing your children. If you’re like me, you love them more every day. You can see your kids growing and skipping across milestones as winning the prize in the race God signed you up for when He rewarded you with children. You can see yourself as having been faithful with your Littles…having fostered them from child to amazing people in full.